- When you can’t live in the moment - j.b. (via youshouldacceptchaos)
One of the main reasons that I can’t always ‘live in the moment’ is that I’m constantly trying to avoid conflict. My unfortunate reflex probably comes from the fact that my whole life has been one argument after the next, and I’ve internalized all the suffering and confusion I had as a kid and teenager. I didn’t want to express myself when I knew everyone was going to tell me that I’m wrong and should do what they say. It’s like that Bright Eyes song, Laura Laurent:
But do you know we’re in high demand, Laura, us people who suffer because we don’t take to arguing and we’re quick to surrender.
I wake up in a state of panic, cold sweats, ready to puke my stomach lining, and afraid that I’ll never be self-aware and happy. Reality is too grim, and fear casts a shadow over my life, like the Seattle skyline during winter. And I wish I could slow down, I really do. I wish I could wake up one morning and believe that I’m worth these words, this lying heart, these clumsy hands, and this shame colored flesh; I feel like I’ve been hiding a side of me that I no longer talk to because I’m not prepared to hear all the things it has to say."